Fingers to keyboard

Working around the house and keeping busy running errands and gardening do help to restore the peace in my mind. The problem is when I stop doing what I am doing the unbearable thoughts seep into my psyche.

It is just a waiting game and sometimes I don’t think I can hold on before I flip. When the still moments arise the stress headaches follow and I feel sick to my stomach with the fear of bad news on Monday.

I totally understand that we are all mortal and that it will pass our way at some point. Often I wish that I will be spared the pain of dying of cancer and that I will be taken suddenly in my sleep or some other quick painless ending.

In my experience dying has been very traumatic watching my best friend Alan slip away because of meningitis and having life support turned off.

Having a vigil at my mum’s bedside in the hospice watching her slip away because of the ravages of breast cancer. Gathered we were as a family watching her take her last breath destroyed us in many ways as it cripples one’s soul.

My grandma also died of cancer and on her death bed she fought for every last painful breath and all we could do was to stand back and watch it happen totally helpless.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do is to watch my loving partner Marcel fade away as the life support machine was turned off. We shared 9 wonderful years together and that can never be taken away. Marcel died quickly and pain free because of an aneurism although this certainly does not make it easier for loved ones left behind.

My web log is a good way to just express my thoughts and sometimes they will be negative or positive. Writing freely allows me to free the thoughts from my mind so that I can move on. I really have no intention of upsetting anyone reading this web log and hope it will give an insight into my daily routine and thought processes.

I find often when I am feeling low or visiting dark places pressing fingers to keyboard and disposing of my worries in this way helps immensely.